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Erotica Written By An Alien Pretending Not To Be Horrified By The Human Body

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erotica pen“They mutually thrashed their softest, most vulnerable parts about in a horrifying normal attempt to seek pleasure at the other’s expense.”

“Their mouths, which mere minutes before had been employed in the process of demolishing and ingesting various foodstuffs, were now jammed up damply against one another while still being used for breathing, which must have been more than a little uncomfortable.”

“Bits of one jammed into bits of the other, dangerously close to some of the weakest and most important internal organs.”

“With absolutely no regard for personal space, the two of them created an unnecessary amount of friction, generating sweat in the process.”

“Some sort of gel emerged.”

“One sat upon the other, like furniture that sneaks inside of your body.”

“Her genitals engulfed his for some arcane purpose.”

“One of them put their teeth-cave directly over the other’s fleshiest appendage, but did not bite it.”

“His genitals emerged from his body with no protection whatever, so that any passing bird could have easily swooped down and carried them off in its beak.”

“They licked one another as if they were food, but they were not food.”

“They took off their clothes, leaving their soft and hairless skin exposed to dust, wind, cold, and various other deadly elements.”

“Jostling occurred for an extended period of time, then silence.”

“Everything was just a mess.”

“Various parts inched forward, then retracted, rather as turtles do.”

“Together they put all of their clothes in a pile on the floor, where the dog lives.”

“Only hours before he had used the very same appurtenance to urinate. He had not washed it in any significant way before inserting it into the other human’s body.”

“They writhed together like a Chinese finger trap.”

Read more Erotica Written By An Alien Pretending Not To Be Horrified By The Human Body at The Toast.

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SamWilson
3679 days ago
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This is terribly, terribly funny... trust me.
Cape Town, South Africa
popular
3681 days ago
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12 public comments
Cdogg
3671 days ago
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Pure gold.
NDG, Montreal
cinebot
3677 days ago
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100% accurate
toronto.
TLKoontz
3680 days ago
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Funny stuff. Indeed.
leiter420
3680 days ago
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This is awesome. Nothing like a non-human depicting human rituals.
grammargirl
3680 days ago
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"Some sort of gel emerged" is where I lost it. Mallory Ortberg is a terrifying evil genius.
Brooklyn, NY
tante
3680 days ago
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Erotica Written By An Alien Pretending Not To Be Horrified By The Human Body
Berlin/Germany
ameel
3681 days ago
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This is brilliant!
Melbourne, Australia
subbes
3681 days ago
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!
mikejurney
3681 days ago
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This is beyond amazing.
New York, New York
sredfern
3681 days ago
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this is amazing
Sydney Australia
Courtney
3681 days ago
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Decades in the fanfic erotica trenches make this the funniest thing I have read possibly ever.
Portland, OR
WorldMaker
3681 days ago
I may be broken, but this just left me with an exisistential sadness. Sartre nausea, I guess. This alien has a much more interesting evolution than I, and I am sad for how low I am in the universe now.